It’s finally 2012. I spent the first day of it acting on my resolution to stay current on celebrity news. I was woefully behind and so spent much of the day exclaiming, “Wow, when did that happen?”
One takeaway I wanted to share, in case you are also terribly out-of-touch with celebrity happenings, is that there were a lot of divorces in 2011. Celebrities just can’t seem to stay together. I’m not just talking about Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries here. Even I knew they would not last. He seems like a gentle but ignorant giant who makes decisions based only upon the information immediately in front of him – mostly provided by the five senses -Â and his current state of mind.
“Ball. Throw through hoop.”
“Pretty, tiny girl. Marry.”
“Cute kitten not moving after I pet. Bury.”
How could he ever hope to keep up with someone as shrewd as Kim?
But now comes word that Katy Perry and Russell Brand are breaking up. But what about the wackiness? The Indian wedding. The Bookie Wooks and the fireworks. It lasted a little over a year and for most of that time she was out on tour. Shouldn’t they take a moment and try being bored together? Sit around for a night watching TV and flipping through magazines? Maybe turn to each other at some point and ask if they should order a pizza or get Thai food?
I also learned that Debra Messing and the person she was married to – an actor named Daniel Zelman – are getting divorced. Something happened to Debra Messing after the birth of her son… Suddenly I noticed that her hair wasn’t as thick as it had been. It was no longer the proud mane that starred on Will & Grace was a diminished bit player. I thought, “That’s it for Debra Messing,” and it kind of worked out that way, although I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t sickly intrigued by the show premiering this month, Smash, in which she plays some kind of agent or talent scout or something who wears glasses when she’s trying to be serious. You don’t have to have thick hair for that.
Also, Chaz Bono and Jennifer Elia are breaking up. Jennifer made it through more than most of us would have. It’s not easy having your partner appear on Dancing With the Stars and have to be supportive of that effort each week, acting as if you care how his knee/toe/hamstring/back is holding up. Chaz didn’t just undergo a sex change – he went the extra mile and changed into a just-past-middle-aged man with knee problems who likes to recount his glory days on the racquetball court.
I admit to doing zero research on this, but has Chaz Bono ever had a job? He should definitely get one now and it should be in middle management for an insurance company because he already looks the part.
Vanessa Bryant is leaving Kobe Bryant. He must have run out of the magic potion he’s been feeding her all these years. She woke up from her haze and was like, “Wait… What?” What I learned, via People Magazine, is that she was 19 when she married him. I’m not even sure that the soft spots on her skull had fully hardened. They had a baby, then they moved right into the rape scandal, he gave her that enormous Guilt Ring (the kind of ring you only get if you’re Elizabeth Taylor or your guy is trying to say, “Sorry I raped that girl.”), had another baby and then it was just endless days of being married to Kobe Bryant.
I know this one is not news, but J. Lo and Marc Anthony are splitsville. Ah, shit. I’ve been assured that the clothing line for Kohl’s is not in jeopardy.
I don’t want to be a braggart, but I could see this one coming. On New Year’s Eve 2010, they appeared together on Ryan Seacrest & Dick Clark Present Tales From the New Year’s Eve Crypt and it was obvious that the relationship was running out of gas. Marc looked bored. J. Lo was in full body suit, strutting around, and he stifled a yawn.
Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, remember when J. Lo did a triathlon the same year she had twins? She went crazy that day – she did the tri in Malibu, then immediately flew to New York to celebrate Marc’s 40th birthday with an elaborate party at a club, all with a rigor mortis grin on her face.
That says, “Trying too hard,” to me. If you’re secure in your marriage you do your tri and then hang out after the race with everyone else, talking about how much the transition from the swim to the bike sucked. You don’t go all maniac and get on a plane for a big party in NYC. She may as well have released a statementÂ that said:
“If I keep fantastically busy I will never notice that my marriage is a sham. Also, I will never die. And I still love Ben Affleck. Thank you.”
Also not really news: Demi and Ashton are done. I feel as if I can finally let out a sigh of relief, air I originally sucked into my lungs in shock, not over their marriage in 2005, but when I saw them dressed up as babies for a Kabbalah party.
“This must end,” I said.
By the way, I can’t believe they thought a camping trip would bring them back together. They looked miserable and bored in their camp chairs (“Yeah, that’s how camping works,” I want to tell them. “There’s not really that much to do except drink and burn sticks.”) Look, if I were trying to lure someone back, I would not do it by camping with them where there is zero sexy lighting, no hot tubs and a lot of bugs.
You can cross one worry off your list going into the new year: the Mel Gibson/Robin Gibson divorce is final. She’s getting about $400 million and news outlets are talking about the settlement as if it’s his money and she’s taking it. As if having 7 kids with that guy and being married for 30 years wasn’t work. I know, it was a choice she made, but still… I think she’s entitled to some compensation.
I’m not sure what prompted Robert Downey Jr. to make a statement a few months ago telling Hollywood it’s time to forgive Mel for being a drunk, abusive prick. I guess Downey feels that he was once at that low point, too, but look at him now, making franchise movies, taking vitamins and having children! Here is what Downey said:
â€œThis is my f*ckinâ€™ time… Mel and I have the same lawyer, same publicist and same shrink. I couldnâ€™t get hired and he cast me. He said if I accepted responsibility â€“ he called it hugging the cactus â€“ long enough my life would take meaning and if he helped me I would help the next guy. But it was not reasonable to assume the next guy would be him.
Unless you are without sin, and if you are you are in the wrong industry, you should forgive him and let him work.”
Let him work? Well, what was The Beaver all about? Personally, I don’t think Gibson has hugged the cactus nearly long enough. Here, Mel, here’s a shot of tequila. Now get back up on that cross… I mean cactus.
As far as Downey goes, the thing about drug addicts and alcoholics who turn their lives around – they can become very annoying in their certainty that they now have all the answers and all the compassion. They definitely become more annoying (and less entertaining) than when they were high and stumbling into the wrong houses at night.
But, returning to the topic at hand, it’s not all doom and gloom for celebrity relationships!Â Britney Spears is getting married again despite the fact that her eyes are clearly not the same size. Matthew McConaughey is marrying the mother of his two kids (I wonder what the decision-making process was for that one? I’m imagining him opening a beer, taking a swig and then thinking, “Ah, what the hell, why not?”)
And Rosie O’Donnell has a fiancee who is cute and normal-seeming. How does that happen? Rosie, a woman who can’t be bothered to put on a dab of foundation or the merest hint of lip gloss in order to attend a Broadway show, lands a hottie?
I know, she’s rich. But you do realize that the hottie has to sleep with Rosie at some point, don’t you?
And, in the final piece of good news, the Hollywood Beard Marriages seem to be doing just fine. All quiet on the Western front for TomKat and John Travolta/Kelly Preston. And I believe Ryan Seacrest just settled Dick Clark back into the crypt for another year and is back with Julianne Hough, although he told her he’s tired and just wants to cuddle, not do anything.