PEPLUMS are back. Or, more accurately, they are now joining us from the 80s. The peplum, in case you don’t know, is an over-skirt. So, if it’s attached to a full skirt, it’s a tiny skirt that only grew partway down.

You can get skirts with peplums or shirts/jackets with peplums – it doesn’t matter what your peplum is attached to, as long as it springs out from around your hips and makes them look wide. Which is what you’ve always wanted, right? To look wider than you are?

SEE-THROUGH PURSES are the must-have accessory. This makes it much easier for strangers to assess so many things about you – if you have anything worth stealing, if you have any spare change  and if you’re on prescription drugs.

If I wanted to be all English major about this, I would say that the see-through bag is a response to our ever-more-transparent society. We overshare online and now we can overshare with fashion. Nothing is off-limits!

TINY SHORTS are not for everyone. Wondering if they’re for you? Stand in front of a mirror and look at your thighs. Can you see light between them even when you’re standing with legs together? Then you can wear tiny shorts outside your home. If your thighs touch (which most of ours do) think about a lovely skirt instead.

Opinions on shorts vary widely anyway. Some are of the opinion that shorts should go away after the age of 16. Some, like me, believe shorts are reserved for specific occasions, such as exercising or perhaps watching TV on a very hot night when you can’t move or if you’re sitting in your backyard pulling weeds out of a garden. And some are of the opinion that shorts should go everywhere, even to work. Which makes me shudder.

ETHNIC JEWELRY continues to excite the fashion world and shoppers at Chico’s alike. Since we’ve had “ethnic” jewelry for awhile, we need to up the ante now. Our ethnic jewelry needs to be BIG and have as many goo-daws hanging from it as possible.

A piece needs to encompass brass, bone, stone, gems, recycled plastic bags, rubber and wire to be cool. If it hangs down to one’s navel, that’s also cool, but it should weigh at least 7 pounds and cause one to worry about structural damage to one’s spine.

By the way, I’m not sure if there is anything quite so sad as marked-down, unsold, partially broken ethnic jewelry pieces tossed in a bin at the end of a season. All that fashion hopefulness dashed against the rocks and tossed aside.

HIGH-WAISTED SWIM BOTTOMS have overtaken those tiny bikini bottoms of yore. It used to be that bikini bottoms almost grazed the pubic bone; now they are pulled up tight, obscuring the navel. It’s as if a designer who had never been to JC Penney before wandered into their underwear department, picked up an XXL pair of panties and had an epiphany.

Part of this is our continuing obsession with all things mod, 60s and Mad Men. The bikinis have that early-to-mid-60s look suitable for women not driven to remove every last strand of pubic hair. Women back then had bush, plain and simple. It’s not a bad look for concealing stomach flab either – the higher waist provides a panel of fabric perfect for keeping that roll in check rather than having it loll over the waistband.

On the other hand, the CROPPED TOP, is on the rebound. Most of us haven’t given it any love since, oh, maybe the early 1990s, if ever. But it showed up in many spring collections this year (notice that crop tops advocate showing off the navel, in contrast with the swim bottoms). I consider it one of those “wishful thinking” trends that designers try to put forth.

“We really hope that you’ll all start taking the crop top seriously,” they say.

“Hmmm…” the sane among us say.

Or maybe I should say the sane among us over the age of 25. I saw a 19-year-old wearing tight jeans and a crop top and it was OK on her. I mean, she was about five-feet tall, had a pixie-ish haircut and was prone to giving people spontaneous hugs, so you get the picture.

If you are under 25, a yogi or a ballet dancer, you can wear a crop top. OK, maybe you have to be all those things at once.

And, finally, make sure you have some CRAZY PRINT JEANS or PANTS in your closet. The trend towards jeans in bright colors has now morphed into a trend for crazy patterns on your jeans. I like a lot of the jeans I see in photographs and in catalogs, maybe because they are worn by skinny ladies with long legs that can be a canvas for curlicues, flowers and geometric shapes.

But I fear these going the way of pin-striped or acid wash jeans and becoming that article of clothing in your closet you’re deeply embarrassed about three months later. And  they are the pair of pants you can really only wear once every two or three weeks (not like those dark jeans you secretly wear every other day) because they are so memorable. I know what I’m talking about – I once had a pair of jeans that basically had a line graph pattern on them – lines going horizontal and vertical to form squares. These lines were in a rainbow of colors. I loved these jeans, so I wore them all the time and people noticed. And when I say “people,” I mean 5th graders. Fifth graders noticed. So don’t think your co-workers won’t.

While you’re out shopping this weekend, look for these other trends you may want to embrace:

Nautical stripes, preferably on a t-shirt with a boatneck

Peter pan collars

Oxford shirts with a slim cut

Skinny high riser jeans in solid colors

Neon purses, bags, satchels

What’s wrong with this picture from a Ralph Lauren ad?

If you said, “Everything,” you’re wrong. Not everything. The orange pants, for example, would be quite lovely paired with a shirt that covered one’s middriff.

The correct answer is, “Those green garbage bag pants.” After staring at this photo for awhile, I realized that those are not pants. It’s a jumpsuit, made out of an old parachute, worn as pants.

So it seems like she parachuted into this field, rolled down her jumpsuit to reveal a polo shirt with a logo that’s size- appropriate for a large-print library book and joined her colorful friends.

I hope they form a girl group called Color Blocking, a cross between Color Me Badd and Destiny’s Child. With maybe just a dash of They Might Be Giants.

Color blocking. Enough already!

Perhaps you already enjoy the Cycle Chic blog, which is sort of like The Sartorialist for people who move around more. Now the Cycle Chic book is coming out! Hooray – you can pre-order on Amazon! Cycle Chic started in Copenhagen, where people are cooler and thinner than in the U.S. (sorry, Portland) and now there are sites for many major cities. Interestingly enough, there is one for Atlanta, which is very wordy. Just give us pics of babes on bikes, is what I say. Don’t try to come up with New Coke.

I checked and there is no Cycle Chic Gary, Indiana. So fuck that.

Also in Blogs-To-Books news, which these days seems as if it may deserve its own blog, the style site Tomboy Style has a book out full of androgynous goodness. I do enjoy women’s wear that is menswear inspired. Or, well, just wearing men’s clothes. I spent most of the past winter wearing a man’s sweater from 1987!

Apparently, however, Tomboy Style is about more than that. This is about women who are rebellious, adventurous and confident. So… not like women at all but more like men?

Oh, the snark, it is heavy today.

First there were the Olsen twins, who dazzled us on Full House and now have four hands in several fashion companies, most notably Elizabeth and James:

Lately, all the photos I see of them look as if one wants to crawl inside the other. It would be cool if one could grow a pouch, like a kangaroo, and tuck the other one inside, keeping her safe and warm.

Then we got a much cooler version of Sisters-Who-Design when Kate and Laura Mulleavy of Rodarte came along:

They might be most widely known now for the costume design for Black Swan. They look like gals who would come to your Sunday Crafternoon with some homemade scones and fabric left over from the matching capes they made the previous weekend. I like.

Now we have the Courtin-Clarins Sisters – Claire, Prisca, Jenna and Virginie (actually 2 sets of sisters who are cousins and heirs to the Clarins skincare empire). This gaggle of leggy Frenchies are taking specific niches of the world’s population by storm!

I miss Sex & the City, don’t you?

You can read more about these siblings here and here and here, if you are so inclined and have the time (which you do because you always make time for important things, right?). Oh, and more photos via Tumblr.

If you don’t have a sister or a cousin to embrace in a photo, you can always do what Oprah did on the latest issue of O Magazine- Photoshop in your younger self and give her a hug.

I think this is taking the “Only Oprah appears on the cover of O Magazine” rule too far. Here’s the other thing – someone had to stand in for Young Oprah when they were taking the photo of Current Oprah and then they cut that person out and inserted the young Oprah.

As for today’s style icon, I’m going with a photo of my dad from 1966. What a guy.

I can assure you that he would not have much use for any of the previously mentioned topics in this post.

I grew up listening to 105.7 WAPL, “The Rockin’ Apple”  in Neenah, Wisconsin. It wasn’t exactly my station of choice but it was the station of choice for a lot of the teen boys and college dudes who worked at my dad’s store/produce farm during the summer months.

Ted Nugent, the Rolling Stones, The Who and Aerosmith all provided the soundtrack to which I washed cucumbers, beets and carrots or bagged potatoes or popcorn. I put together bunches of asparagus while listening to Jim Morrison wail about an L.A. Woman and heaved crates of sweet corn onto flat carts while Sting pleaded with Roxanne.

This was a long time ago now. All those teen and college guys have long since become adults with jobs, families, houses of their own.

What hasn’t changed, it seems, is “Classic Rock.”

Recently, while driving back from a hike, Keith and I flipped to  92 KQRS, the “Classic Rock” station in the Twin Cities, and  and it occurred to me that I was hearing the exact same songs I’d listened to, oh, 20 years ago. You could listen to a Classic Rock station everyday for years and emerge from it like Rip Van Winkle coming out of his slumber, with no idea what day, week or year it really is.

You would say things like, “What’s Twitter?” and “Who’s Barack Obama?”

This is probably the entire point of Classic Rock – duh, it’s the classics. But it’s a closed genre and it’s not admitting any new members, unless Steven Tyler vouches for you. Somehow 1980s Butt Rock made the cut and sometimes Nirvana shows up, unannounced and wearing wrinkled clothing, but otherwise it’s the same dudes as in 1989.

Classic Rock stations draw their repertoire from music roughly from 1966 to 1994. Keith firmly believes the outer edge of the Classic Rock universe is Collective Soul, most notably the song “Shine.”

Once I started to think about it, I realized that the rules for success in Classic Rock radio are both stringent and arbitrary at the same time. You might think you know the top bands, but do you? Rush? Nope. Mettalica. Nope. Grateful Dead? Ha ha ha Boston? Forget it. The Beatles? Surprisingly, not top tier.

I worked it out to the best of my ability. Here are the top bands of Classic Rock along with their most-played songs. The next time you’re on a long car ride, flip around on your radio dial and see how often you land on a Classic Rock station playing one of these songs.

If you’re traveling in Wisconsin, this should only take about an hour.

3 ULTIMATE CLASSIC ROCK STATION GODS

1. ZZ Top, “Legs”
2. Aerosmith, “Love In An Elevator” (Yeah, you thought it would be “Sweet Emotion” but Classic Rock stations love that late 80s/early 90s Aerosmith resurgence.)
3. Lynyrd Skynyrd, tie between “Freebird” and “Sweet Home Alabama” (Nothing can beat the 1970s Southern Rock sound + Rock Tragedy of this band in Classic Rock lore.)

And now the rest of the TOP TIER. These are the artists and specific songs you’d want to have if, say, you were living in a cave and trying to start a ham radio classic rock station:

(In no particular order)

Rolling Stones, tie between “Satisfaction” and “Start Me Up”

Steppenwolf – “Magic Carpet Ride”

Eric Clapton – “Layla”

Van Halen – “Panama”

Scorpions – “Rock You Like a Hurricane”

The Doors – “Break on Through (to the Other Side)”

Eagles – “Hotel California”

Todd Rundgren – “Bang The Drum All Day” (Note: Rundgren enjoys Classic Rock God status in Wisconsin)

Ozzy Osbourne – “Crazy Train”

Def Leppard – “Pour Some Sugar on Me” tied with “Photograph”

Gun N Roses – ALL the 80s classics and please play at least one per hour.

Eddie Money – “Baby Hold On”

Jimi Hendrix – “Purple Haze”

Led Zeppelin – “Whole Lotta Love”

AC/DC – “Back in Black” tied with “You Shook Me”

Pink Floyd – “Comfortably Numb” DJ, please make pot joke before playing.

Bad Company – “Feel Like Making Love”

Queen – “We Will Rock You” segueing into “We Are The Champions” or “Bohemian Rhapsody.” What matters most is that Queen lasts for at least 10 minutes.

Journey – “Wheel In the Sky”

FREEBIRD!

]]> http://www.notshallow.org/2012/04/the-rules-of-classic-rock/feed/ 0 http://www.notshallow.org/2012/04/terry-fied/ http://www.notshallow.org/2012/04/terry-fied/#comments Wed, 18 Apr 2012 15:47:15 +0000 Rebecca http://www.notshallow.org/?p=4379 I’ve been racking my brain for an hour trying to come up with some witty commentary for this.

But it speaks for itself.

I do have questions.

Why the pocket?

Was there a 1970s post-shower situation during which a man would hang out in the Terry-Go-Round to shave, check the mail, count change (in his pocket)? Was it a simpler,  less-hurried time when a man didn’t feel the need to rush from naked directly into clothes?

If you ordered the  7Up version, were you admitting to not being macho? And WTF, Alabama and Virginia? Your citizens can’t show their Budweiser pride?

If you tried to watch episode 11 of Smash but fell asleep, partly because your life is busy and full but also because the show lulled you into a comatose state, it’s OK.

You didn’t miss much. And I’m here to tell you about it.

Here are this week’s Smash Notes.

Julia: Someone has her Smart Girl glasses on! Ready to move on from her other personas (40-ish Suburban Nester, Irresponsible Creative Type and Bad Girl, respectively), this week Julia donned glasses and turtleneck sweaters in order to broadcast that she’s a bad person, everything is her fault and that she must now put her child first. There must have been a lot of downtime on the train this week and the self-help books came out of the expensive handbag.

Tiny Dancer, Hold Me Close: Things heated up between Tom and Tiny Dancer from the show’s chorus. Although Tom exhibited signs of frigidity with his gay, Republican lawyer boyfriend, he’s revving his engine for Tiny Dancer.

But Tiny Dancer put up a roadblock when Tom wanted to get frisky. First, he says he’s old-fashioned. Then he says he believes in God. Finally, he says sex is holy.

And there was something about Republicans not owning God, which I’m pretty sure is incorrect.

I admire what NBC is trying to do. These barriers aren’t going to break themselves down, are they? Black guy who is gay! A gay guy who doesn’t want to hop into bed! A gay guy who believes in God!

But, all rolled together like this into one big, diverse roll-up, it’s a bit too After School Special for me. Something that would be titled “Duane Is One of Us.” All that’s missing is Tiny Dancer taking Tom home to meet… his three adopted children from Cambodia.

Did I mention that Tiny Dancer loves sports?

Best movie title: Uma Thurman guest-starred this week as Rebecca Duvall, the celebrity hired to play Marilyn. She gives everyone free passes to her new movie Casual Friday 2. I would so see that movie! Despite the fact that the fake scene from it they showed was basically a car commercial, I’m picturing it as a rom com about two employees/love interests who can only relate to each other on casual Fridays, when they’re allowed to wear their jeans.

Evil Intern: He’s turning gay, OK? I knew it the second I saw him in a ribbed tank top. But now we’re going to need to have the tortuous scenes of Evil Intern having his own Spring Awakening.

Strange Child, Leo: What 16-year-old kid says, “If I get a B on my physics test, can I meet Rebecca Duvall, who is over 40?” That would be like a teen boy saying, “If I get a B on my physics test, can I meet Uma Thurman, who is over 40?” Not happening! Teen boys don’t fantasize about Uma Thurman. I’m not sure who they fantasize about – the only possibility I can come up with is Nicki Minaj because I’m hopelessly out of touch – but I’m sure it’s not Uma.

Hmmm: Is it racist when Rebecca Duvall asks that everyone have a powwow? Oh, no? It’s just annoying? OK.

Mommie Dearest, Wig: When Uma appears in her “fantasy” Marilyn number (this happens a lot on the show – suddenly its as if we’re watching the real production, complete with costumes), I initially got whiffs of Judy Garland doing her final shows in London.

Although Uma is obviously a beautiful woman, there was something about the black pants and flats they put her in and the ginger way she moved around the stage, as if her hip was bothering her. And the wig.

Actually, the wig on Uma reminded me of Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest. There was something very off about it.

Just as it’s hard to accept that Debra Messing wears huge cardigans because she now has a booty, it’s hard to see age lines on Uma. Not for the reasons you might think. I don’t begrudge them their changing bodies and laugh lines. But it’s a reminder of my own aging.

That got kind of serious, didn’t it? I need to have a powwow to figure out my issues. Where are my glasses and turtleneck sweater?

But maybe, just maybe, we are climbing up out of one. I mean, it’s not this bad anymore, right?

Guys, maybe you sometimes feel like you’re not the most fashionable. Maybe you feel schlubby or dorky or mismatched.

Remember that, no matter what, you’re not this guy.

You are not this guy.

That counts for something.

Note: Yeah, I found a Sears catalog from 1976 for $1.60 at an antique store. That’s a lot of fun for only $1.60. And I’ll pass the savings on to you!

Not all projects have to be big to bring great joy. I made these magnets featuring Coen Brothers films for our refrigerator:

A few years ago, the Walker Art Center did a Regis Dialogue and Film Retrospective of the films of Joel & Ethan Coen. I kept the program, which had high-quality, rectangular photo stills of their films. I thought it would be cool to make magnets but I didn’t have a laminating machine.

Note: save programs or books for art exhibits you love. The production and paper are generally high quality (better than, say, saving magazine images) and will make great images for magnets!

A few weeks ago, the little photos turned up in a box I was cleaning out. I put them on my desk, thinking I needed to find a way to make them.

Last week, as I was hunting down a folder for our 2011 tax info in the basement, I found some adhesive lamination sheets in a box of old office supplies. Hooray! I sat in the back yard pressing the movie images onto adhesive paper and sticking magnets on the backs.

I’ve got Brad in Burn After Reading:

And Billy Bob in The Man Who Wasn’t There:

And George in O Brother, Where Art Thou:

I have eight magnets in all. For some reason, I’m missing Miller’s Crossing, The Big Lebowski and No Country For Old Men.

I’m pretending that Intolerable Cruelty and The Ladykillers never happened.

I’ll be on a quest to complete the set, but in the meantime, I think they look great on the fridge:

Big Eyelet is taking over – covering skirts, dresses, gowns, blouses and… pants.

I would wear these pants by Alberta Ferretti. Especially on that terrace. Looks like something Betty Draper would have loved to wear back when she was thin.

The fashion world is crazy about mismatching prints right now. It’s so fresh! And new. Except look at this photo of the Talking Heads from 1985. Any one of them would be Sartorialist gold. Topshop is selling these pants right now.

We have two female ensemble pieces of entertainment to look forward to. Whit Stillman is back on the scene with his film Damsels in Distress, starring Greta Gerwig, Carrie MacLemore, Megalyn Echikunwoke and Analeigh Tipton. Stillman’s last film was The Last Days of Disco in 1998, which I highly recommend if you’re the kind of person who enjoys dry wit, Woody Allen movies, social commentary. For me, that’s check, check and check.

The ladies of Damsels:

Here’s Analeigh Tipton rocking a great velvet blazer, dress, scarf combo:

On Sunday, HBO begins airing the show Girls, written, directed and co-produced by Lena Dunham, most notably of Tiny Furniture fame (if not fortune). I do not have HBO. Balloon juice! But HBO is putting the premiere episode online for free on Monday, April 16 so all us poor suckers can go watch it, fall in love with the characters and then not see them again for a year.

Here’s the poster:

What I find most interesting about this are the shoes Lena is rocking. It’s like laid-back Huarache sandals meet respectable oxfords. Like the way we often hear mullets described as “party in front, business in back.”

I think I would wear these:

Also, I have that rug.

I find myself thinking about Anne Bancroft sometimes. Such an icon.

By the way, that’s skunk-stripe-done-right, ladies.

Well, if you don’t know what else to do with yourself this weekend, slip into your onesie, slap a belt around your middle and work on your rings routine. It will pay off.

This is, perhaps, the perfect definition of “Clown Salad.”