Category Archives: General Weirdness

Overheard From the Stall

I was in a public bathroom with three stalls. Two women come in and go into stalls on either side of me, continuing their conversation.

Woman 1: So… We know that she’s a bitch, right?

Woman 2: We know that she is not a nice person.

Woman 1: It’s such a shame. Rachel loves French but she treated her like the lazy twin.
[I’m not sure what this is in reference to… if Rachel is a twin and the less productive of the pair or if calling someone a Lazy Twin is a slur I’m not familiar with.]

Woman 2: How horrible.

Conversation interrupted by explosive farting from Woman 1, with no apologies or requests to be excused.

Woman 1: I’m mean, she’s a solid B student. Always gets B’s. I get the report card… (dramatic pause) and she gave her a C+. I called her up…

Woman 2: How unfair.

Woman 1: I called her up and I said, ‘What is the meaning of this?’ and she said, ‘Listen, middle school records don’t count toward college admissions and we’re done here.’

Woman 2: Oh my God!

Woman 1: I said, ‘We’re not done here.’

At this point I exited the bathroom, very uncomfortable. Part of me wishes I would have stayed, maybe got into the conversation. I, too, had a very bitchy French teacher. However, part of me thinks the true bitches were in that bathroom.

And, just for the record, middle school grades really don’t matter, unless those grades are F’s that make it impossible to progress beyond middle school. There is a reason for the phrase “Gentleman’s C.”

What We’re Gonna Do Right Here Is Go Back

The Way Where Were cat with colored bubblesBack.
I’m back.
What we’re gonna do right here is go back.
Back into time. To when Not Shallow was a blog.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Where have I been?

I’ll tell you where I’ve been most recently – on a trip to the most ghetto Burlington Coat Factory on the face of planet Earth. I haven’t been that on guard since I lived outside of Detroit. Going in the front door, aka running the gauntlet, I actually thought to myself, “Better be on your game. Stone face. Walk to the coats with purpose.”

And, no, it wasn’t because there were black people there. In fact, it was the scary white folks, with dead eyes and contusions on their faces.

It was the little kid trailing after his dad saying, “Daaaaadddy, am I a retard?”

Oh God, all I wanted was a cheap coat. And I got one, thanks. And so what if I had to try it on in the midst of old Starbucks cups, gum wrappers and a guy who smelled like a skunk wearing an ashtray as a hat?

Something solidified in that Burlington Coat Factory.

What’s normal? I think it’s normal to make vegan soup and go to yoga on Sunday nights. The woman standing outside Burlington Coat Factory (oh, it’s more than just coats, folks, it’s squalor) screaming into her cell phone so loudly that even when she went around the corner of the building and I was in my car, driving, with the radio on, I could still hear her, thinks that kind of conversation is normal.

What do you think is normal? Because it’s a complex world and not shallow at all, once you start looking. Have you stopped looking? I haven’t.

I’m back, I tell you. Because we all live in our  bubbles and start to think that whatever we live is normal and then – shock – Burlington Coat Factory. Or a beautiful beach with a sea turtle laying eggs. There is so much more… Don’t put your head down.

What we’re gonna do right here is go back.

 

It’s Almost Here!

Frankenstein's monster and a bunch of kids - looks like trouble to me!

Happy Halloweeen Eve from Frankenstein’s monster and some little kids from the 1970’s!

Where did he get those sweet shoes??

Take cover before he starts tossing those kids like rocks.

 

*Frankenstein and friends at Universal Studios in California, 1977

 

Bringing Sexy Back (Yet Again) This Halloween

woman wearing a sexy debit card costume and asking for Jell-O shots

You’ve seen them. We’ve ALL seen them. They bring forth in us, depending upon our outlook and motives, either outrage or appreciation. Sometimes we put them down but we all know that, no matter what, they aren’t going home alone on Halloween night.

It’s the Sexy Ladies of Halloween. Women who can turn any costume into a wonder of titillation.

Not all of us have that ability, you know. We don’t have the body or the will or the drive. Some of us would maintain that we don’t have the cheapness, the sluttiness, required to take part in such a thing.

My days of slutty Halloween-ness are long gone. Let me amend that – my day of slutty Halloween. For I only attempted sexy once, as a freshman in college, when I went as a hooker and my then-boyfriend went as a pimp. I know. They took away my Take Back the Night card for that one. I never, ever mentioned it in any of my Women’s Studies classes. Don’t ask, don’t tell, was the sexy Halloween policy back then.

But now it’s rampant. “When did sexy Halloween costumes become a thing?” Keith asked me the other day. “It seems like there was a time when that wasn’t the case.”

I’ll tell you the very first time I realized that Halloween costumes could be sexy. It was while watching E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. In the Halloween scenes the mom, played by Dee Wallace, dresses up as a sexy cat. And when I say “sexy” by today’s standards it was actually very demure. She’d be shunned at the club for dressing “all Amish and shit.” But, yeah, I thought she looked kinda hot.

My friend JoEllen has a tumblr called Miss Guised that pays “homage” to sexy Halloween costumes. Each day  this month, she’s posted yet another ridiculous sexy costume, from Sexy Sriracha Sauce to a sexy highlighter pen – she’s truly found the best of the worst. Go take a look if you need some sexy inspiration – I think you’ll find that if you can’t think of a sexy costume, you’re just not trying hard enough.

As for me, I’m struggling (yet again) to come up with any costume, let alone a sexy one. But whatever I come up with I’m pretty sure I’ll be fully clothed. Just call my Sexy Otter.

Me dressed in a head-to-toe otter costume.

 

 

Hot Tub Revival

My long-time listeners (first time callers) may remember my Hot Tub People and More Hot Tub People series from earlier this year, waaaaay before I decided to try to draw. This was one of my favorite things EVER on Not Shallow.

So imagine my immense pleasure when I found this in a magazine from the 1970s:

Strange hot tub scenario from Apartment Living Magazine, 1976.

This is from an ad for Seagram’s 7 Crown – specifically for Seven & Sevens.

Whoah, baby.

I can attest to the fact that when one starts drinking Seven & Sevens, things get out of hand. I had one, debauched night of Seven & Sevens in college and that was that. Halfway through the night I decided that mixing the drink was too much work – far too many ingredients – and it was much better to simply take a sip of 7UP and then a sip of Seagram’s right from the bottle.

So the guy in this photo is going to be feeling some pain.

Speaking of pain… what the hell is going on here? Seagram’s wants you to believe that drinking their drink is going to lead to good times… but is sitting in a hot tub alone while a fully clothed woman pours cold water on your head Good Times? Maybe in feudal Japan.

Here’s the ad copy (Yeah, I can’t read it without hearing Don Draper’s voice in my head, either.)

Seagram’s 7 Crown and 7UP was invented for times like these. Not just good times. Great times.

Crisp. Refreshing. It’s the drink Americans enjoy when they’re enjoying themselves. To enjoy one yourself, simply pour an ounce and a half of Seagram’s 7 Crown over ice and add 7UP.

When you’re having fun, have Seven & Seven… America’s favorite drink.

SAY SEAGRAM’S AND BE SURE.

Here’s my ad copy:

Seagram’s 7 Crown and 7UP was invented for times when you want to get laid but she wants to sit on the edge of the hot tub and play stupid water games.

Crisp. Deceptive. It’s the drink Americans turn to when they want to believe they’re enjoying themselves. To make one, fill a glass with about two-thirds Seagram’s  and a dash of 7UP, just enough to cut that alcohol taste.

When you think you might just possibly, after a few more drinks, have a moment of fun… turn to Seagram’s.

SAY SEAGRAM’S AND BE SURE. TO GET A WICKED HANGOVER.

BTW, my hot tub palace, which I will open in 2016, will be called Sevens & Sevens’ 7 Crown.

The Rules of Classic Rock

Classic Rock band logos.

I grew up listening to 105.7 WAPL, “The Rockin’ Apple”  in Neenah, Wisconsin. It wasn’t exactly my station of choice but it was the station of choice for a lot of the teen boys and college dudes who worked at my dad’s store/produce farm during the summer months.

Ted Nugent, the Rolling Stones, The Who and Aerosmith all provided the soundtrack to which I washed cucumbers, beets and carrots or bagged potatoes or popcorn. I put together bunches of asparagus while listening to Jim Morrison wail about an L.A. Woman and heaved crates of sweet corn onto flat carts while Sting pleaded with Roxanne.

This was a long time ago now. All those teen and college guys have long since become adults with jobs, families, houses of their own.

What hasn’t changed, it seems, is “Classic Rock.”

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Midwestern Jaws

Sometimes when you’re swimming in a lake or a river you’ll feel a fish brush up against your leg or dart away from your foot as you plod forward on the sand.

Do you ever imagine what’s actually down there?

I always picture a trout, even if I’m not in a stream. On my darker days I’ll think maybe it was a Muskie. But not this:

A longnose gar found on a beach along the St. Croix River in Minnesota.

Next time I feel something in the water, I’m going to scream “Longnose gar!”

And don’t think you’re safe just because you stay in relatively shallow water. The longnose gar can gulp air at the surface, allowing it to live in “hot, shallow water where most other fish can’t.”

Hooray!

We found this along the St. Croix River at Afton State Park. Freja, our dog, sniffed it but then didn’t want anything to do with it… gar isn’t good eatin’. She’s a carp gal all the way.

Longnose gar washed up on beach along St. Croix River in Minnesota.

Snout of a longnose gar.

Mind your toes!