Imagined Conversations: Nic Cage Edition
I’m sure you were as shocked as I was to learn that actor Nicolas Cage is facing bankruptcy. You probably thought, “Really? After being overpaid for so many years?” Apparently, Nic never learned the value of a dollar. Sometimes I feel badly for people who make stupid money mistakes… we’re all human, after all, and everyone makes poor choices at some point in their lives. BUT, come on, $276,000 for a dinosaur skull? This is the exact point on my Nic Cage Compassion Graph where my level of empathy drops to a point that hovers just above the X-axis and is labeled “bitter disbelief.”
I wonder about the sequence of events that led us here, to the point where Nic is selling off German castles and hot rods left and right and is suing his business manager, Sam Levin. Cage claims that Levin led him down a path to financial ruin. Whatever the case maybe be, if you’re a fan of Cage, this ensures you many more years of enjoying new films from him, as he now has to keep working in order to be able to retire to an appropriately appointed mansion with waterfalls, telescopes and an airstrip. Nic Cage – he’s just like us!
NIC-N-SAM: A FINANCIAL ODYSSEY
It’s the year 2001. Virile film star Nic Cage has just hired Sam Levin as his business manager. Levin has reservations about working for Cage – the star is already in debt. But, like everyone else in America, he bets on Cage turning out many more movies in the years to come and ends up taking the job. But then things take a disturbing turn – Cage is making movies, but they are movies no one wants to see! Or they are small, indie movies Cage takes a pay cut to be in! The string starts out with Captain Corellie’s Mandolin and staggers forward with Windtalkers, Sonny, Adaptation and Matchstick Men. The two men meet at Cage’s Bel Air mansion to talk things over.
CAGE
Thanks for meeting me at Le Cage Aux Faux, Sammy.
LEVIN
Listen, Nicky, there are some things we gotta discuss. Serious things.
CAGE
Have you seen my new collection of shrunken chimp heads? Smell them.
LEVIN
No. I think I’ll pass on that. Now, about these roles you’ve been taking on.
You haven’t had much of a payday lately.
CAGE
Lisa Marie wants me to buy a van for her and put a hot tub in the back. Then she says we’re going to just ride around in it… like, have someone drive us around. Should I do that?
LEVIN
Abso-fucking-lutely not. She can afford her own van. Just like she
didn’t need that $65,000 engagement ring…
CAGE
I never did find that thing. Which leads me to another question… Did you get that bill I forwarded to you? For the SCUBA ring recovery effort? They wanna get paid.
LEVIN
About that… I was wondering if perhaps you could barter a little bit.
Get the divers to re-evaluate this $75,000. Could they be in your next film?
CAGE
Oh, man, I have the most incredible script I’m reading.
I wanna do it so bad! It’s called The Wicker Man.
LEVIN
Look, if you want to continue with your… uh… lifestyle… You need to bring
in more cash. You’re going to have to make National Treasure. And you
better cross your fingers for National Treasure II.
CAGE
Shit, man. Really? Isn’t there another way?
LEVIN
Look, the 25 new motorcycles, the 52 new cars… And you…
You really don’t need a house in Newport, do you?
CAGE
I’ve never been to Newport! I bought the house so that I get there someday.
LEVIN
And these new ponies you bought… can’t you possibly auction them off?
CAGE
Speaking of ponies, do you wanna wrestle with Tesla?
LEVIN
Who’s Tesla?
CAGE
My King Cobra. Don’t worry, there’s antidote serum right over there.
LEVIN
No, I don’t think so…
CAGE
Wanna do shots of whiskey? And then ride around in the Shah of Iran’s Lambourghini?
LEVIN
No.
CAGE
Ah, Sammy. This is your problem. You’re no fun. Shit, I have to call my German Realtor and see if my bid on that castle went through… You can find your way out, right? Just go past the billards hall, past the theater, turn right at the gym, left at the sauna and then go through the grotto.
In July, 2004, Levin takes a late night phone call from a worried Cage.
CAGE
That you, Sammy?
LEVIN
Ah… Ah.. What?
CAGE
I had some amazing sushi tonight, man. Fucking amazing blowfish. And I met this amazing woman.
I gave her a $5,000 tip and no, she didn’t give me a blow job.
LEVIN
OK, OK, I’m awake. I’m awake.
CAGE
She waited on me at the sushi bar! And now I’m marrying her.
LEVIN
Wait! Tonight? You’re marrying her tonight?
CAGE
No, but I told her I’m going to marry her. I think we’ll give it two weeks, just to work out some
of the kinks in our relationship. So I want you to transfer some funds around for me so
I can get her a Getting To Know You gift. I’m thinking a yacht. Or maybe a Porsche.
LEVIN
Wait, wait, wait… Get her a ring. A very understated diamond ring. Something in the $3,000 range. From Kay Jewelers.
CAGE
Are you smoking crack?
LEVIN
Are you smoking crack? Lord of War? The Weather Man?
CAGE
Listen, wait until The Wicker Man comes out, OK? Just wait… I got confused and made the wrong W Man movie! Screw this, I’m getting married tomorrow. And I’m taking all her high school friends on a big vacation with us.
On her yacht. And she’ll be wearing the Hope Diamond.
Cage hangs up.
It’s 2007. Banking on National Treasure: Book of Secrets to put him back on a path padded with cash, Cage gets into a bidding war with Leonardo DiCaprio over a dinosaur skull during an auction. While bidding, he keeps Levin on the phone, ostensibly to make it seem as if he’s “consulting” his business manager but really it’s just to brag.
CAGE
Dude, wait until you see this humungous skull.
LEVIN
Skulls are very interesting. I won’t dispute that. But skulls are best left to museums…
CAGE
This things was a major predator. Watching it eat hunt and destroy something must have been a total rush. $150,000!
LEVIN
Did you just say…
CAGE
This little DiCaprio prick. With his models and his special Scorsesse connection. I’m showing him, man. I’m bringing the Cage Damage.
LEVIN
And yet it would be nice… I mean, it would be a nice touch if you had something left over for your children, you know, in the event of your death.
CAGE
Are you kidding? Kal-el is gonna love this thing. He can sleep in it!
I’ll set up a bed in there for him. $175,000!
LEVIN
This is fun. This is a fun game. And you know what’s really fun about it? You can stop
bidding after Leo makes his next bid and really stick it to him. Ha ha! He gets stuck with a dinosaur skull.
CAGE
$180,000!… $200,000!…
LEVIN
Oh, God. Oh shit…
CAGE
What was that? What’s the matter, man? Don’t worry – Ghost Rider! It’s all about Ghost Rider.
LEVIN
Dear God, I hope there’s a Ghost Rider II.
CAGE
$250,000!… $275,000!
The slam of a gavel hitting a table.
AUCTIONEER
SOLD!
In late 2008, Levin calls Cage into his office and explains to him that he needs to sell off at least one of his castles, some Rolls Royces and maybe a couple of paintings if he hopes to stay solvent.
LEVIN
You’re living beyond your means, Nicky. I see trouble looming. And this castle is bleeding you dry. Well, the castle and your 14 other houses. But the castle is really a money pit.
CAGE
But… my German castle!
LEVIN
I warned you. I said, ‘Have that moat appraised.” I said, ‘Get an estimate on what it will take
to rebuild those underground dungeons. They are structurally unsafe.’
CAGE
You know what you are? You’re a buzz kill.
LEVIN
You wanna end up like Wesley Snipes? Like Michael Jackson? Like Willie Aames? It could happen.
CAGE
That could never happen. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go shopping for some high ticket items and then go off for a weekend on my flotilla of yachts. You know what it feels like to own a flotilla? It feels fucking awesome.
LEVIN
But… But… I’m telling you. I’m warning you…
CAGE
When you’re ready to party, give me a call. I’m having a little soiree at my place this weekend… Some people are going to drop by for three days and I’m going to have some ice sculptures, some bands (U2), some caviar… a little bit of hash… Dancing… Some might call it “Gatsby-esque!”
LEVIN
Don’t even tell me about it. I don’t want to hear another word.
CAGE
Fine. You won’t hear another thing. But trust me. It’s going to be fine.
In October of 2009, Cage files a lawsuit against Sam Levin, claiming Levin left him in the dark about just how dire his spending habits were in relation to the amount of money coming in. This is after getting into trouble with the IRS and discovering that he owes $6 million in back taxes. The final e-mail communication Cage sends to Levin is short and to-the-point:
“You prick. You’re fired.”