From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her column But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. Today’s column is, appropriately, all about Halloween and how to celebrate the holiday if, like Baby Jane, you just woke up after a four-day drinking binge and realized that not a thing has been done to prepare for the holiday – no fake cobwebs strewn in the bushes, no plastic gravestones inserted in the front lawn and no costume purchased from the Halloween superstore that operates out of what used to be your neighborhood Blockbuster outlet.
Let the Halloween fun begin!
Dear Baby Jane,
OK, I need some good last-minute costume ideas. I was going to do what I do every year – sit in my house watching TV with all the shades drawn and the lights off – but now I’ve been invited to go to a party and then dancing at a club. I do like to go to da club! I need something easy and cheap.
Gonna Party Like It’s 1997
Dear Party 1997,
The best costume idea I’ve ever had is the one I useÂ year after year – a drunk. All it requires is to get drunk. Then stumble around and say things you’ll regret the next day. If you’ve got the stones to take it up a notch, vomit on someone. It’s not just a costume – it’s performance art. IfÂ booze isn’t your thing, pop some Lunesta and wait for that neon butterfly to appear. Then talk to it. Pet it. Now that’s what I call creepy. Want another idea? Go as a depressed person. All it requires is… nothing. Just read some news on the Internet and walk out of your house. When people ask you what you are, you say, “I’m depressed!” in an anxious, annoyed and yet dejected manner. But if you really, really want to go for the WOW factor, if you really want to be scary, here’s my best suggestion:
Now that’s scary.
Dear Baby Jane:
Halloween is finally here and I’m having all my friends over for a sÃ©ance. We’re going to find the open portal in my house (I think it’s in the laundry room but my husband insists it’s in our second bathroom), talk to the ghost who’sÂ been hanging around our split-level ranch for three years we’ve lived here and help her/him/it cross-over to other side. Any suggestions on what we could say to keep things on a positive level but convince them it’s time to go? I don’t want to frighten or anger them with any negative energy.
I had to do this very thing two years ago. It seems my sister, Blanche, just wasn’t ready to take her final bow. She kept hanging around, moping, using my eyebrow pencils at 3 a.m.Â and pushing her old wheelchair ( which I keep around for toting empties back to the liquor store) down the stairs. It got oh so tiresome.
I got a few of my neighbors together, mostly people who wanted to see the inside of my house so they could tell everyone else about it on Twitter, and we all held hands (I wore gloves) and sat in a circle. I started out trying to use logic on her, pointing out that she was hanging around the sister who tried to feed her rats, tied her up, murdered her etc. etc. Big mistake – turns out people who turn into ghosts don’t really believe in logic.Â Next, I listened to the walls and patted them while saying, “There, there, baby, it will be OK.” Nothing. So I started to sing and play the ballad rendition of “It’s Raining Men” I’d been working on and she disappeared for good. And so did all the neighbors, which was another good thing because they were starting to ask for things like food, water and where the bathroom was. So my advice is to sing. And maybe do some soft shoe.
Dear Baby Jane,
Tonight is the big night but I can’t decide which sexy thing I want to be. My best friend wants us to be sexy kitties because its soooo easy and mainstream and we’ll probably get laid. But I want to be sexy iPhone in honor of Steve Jobs. We decided to let you make the call. Ha ha ha – pun intended!
Sexy Something Or Other
Dear Sexy Something,
Have you ever filled a bathtub with chocolate-covered cherries, gotten into it and then rolled around so that the chocolates spill out their syrupy, cheap cherry goodness? Then gotten out of the tub and sprayed yourself with a fixative or sealer? That, my dear, is a sexy costume. Unless, of course, you have access to a costume that looks like a tumbler of whiskey on the rocks.
Or, do you have something that would make you look like a cigarillo? Maybe a Swisher Sweet? Take me to Swishertown!
Dear Baby Jane,
I was reading a list of top songs for Halloween – “The Monster Mash,” “Werewolves of London,” “Bark At the Moon,” – but noticed that you didn’t make the list with “I’ve Written a Letter to Daddy,” clearly one of the creepiest songs of all time. Not only does this seem like a major oversight it means that your legacy has not been secured. Do you worry about this?
Dear Dumb Dittie,
I’m not going to dignify this with a response other than to show you THIS:
I’ll bet you’re speechless. Ms. Bette Davis singing about me. Ha!
Dear Baby Jane,
No matter what anyone says, to me Halloween is all about the candy. I’m crazy about it! I was just curious – what’s your favorite Halloween candy?
Dear Sweet Tooth,
Here’s what I’ll be handing out to all the kiddies who come by tonight:
Chocolate Liquor Bottles! One 64-count box for them and one 64-count box for me.
Baby Jane Recommends
Every Halloween I put on my Kim Carnes album and listen to “Bette Davis Eyes” while dancing in front of the windows with all the lights on. Just a little free entertainment for the neighbors.
As I’ve probably mentioned four dozen times, I luv Bette Davis. So I fully endorse this t-shirt, made by some people who call themselves Dolce & Gabbana.Â Although it’s expensive, it’s a fitting and loving tribute to the greatest actress of all time (except for Kim Fields). Go check it out and buy one for when you’re lounging around the house with a dirty martini while viewing The Watcher In The Woods for the 27th time.