1. The guy who just spit in the sand.
2. The woman who smokes a cigarette while standing in the water.
3. The many strange skin conditions. Many people are no strangers to pus.
4. The police officer who spit in the water while waiting for the two guys he’s busting for open beers to pack up their didgeridoos.
5. That stuff – plant matter, insects, old cig butts – can get caught in dreadlocks while swimming and must be picked out by friends/significant others, making the friend/significant other lookÂ like a chimpanzee grooming another chimp.
6. It is still fashionable to talk about Burning Man?
7. There is a high concentration (73.3%) of homemade tie dyed t-shirts, much higher than in the general U.S. population (4.2%).
8. The preteen with ice cream all over his face is going to use the lake as his wash basin.
9. There are 4, 322 cigarette butts within one square foot of this towel.
10. There is one Port-O-Pot and it smells. There are at least one hundred people. The rate of people using the Port-O-Pot is one every half hour. Where is all the pee going? Oh…
11. There are people willing to canvas door-to-door. There are people willing to network at the beach in order to get such a job.
12. 98% of the population now has a tattoo. Does this make those of us without tattoos the exotic ones now?
13. The tattoo of a tree going up that woman’s spine looks as if it was done with an upholstery needle and a bowl of ink.
14. Armpit hair on women. Like two tiny crotches under the arms.
15. A fat teen boy may have larger breasts than I do.
16. The cigarette that woman was smoking while standing in the water is gone but she’s still in the water. I hope she ate it.
17. The Peace Bears look restless. The Drum Circle plots war. The Didgeridoos were kicked out.
18. The man who looks like George Carlin points out we’re all swimming together in a big bathtub. Then the crabs in his beard pop out and wave hello.
19. I thought this suit with the little skirt was “cute.” The correct term is “matronly.”
20. If you dig just two feet down in the sand, you will find a full set of human teeth, car keys, used condoms and a ticket to the Rolling Stones “Steel Wheels” tour from the summer of 1989.
21. The 25-year-old hipster is wearing the glasses I had in fourth grade. I thought we donated them to the Lions Club?
22. That dog peed in the water. The Port-O-Pot was busy.
* All list points provided by patrons of Hidden Beach, Cedar Lake, Minneapolis.