Lookin’ like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?
Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle ‘n’ a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah
Well, it’s that time. Episode 8. If you stuck with this all the way through then you’re… amazing.
In today’s episode, death is knocking on Steve Clark’s door and he’s about to go answer it but first we need to take a detour to rehab, witness the rebirth of Rick Allen and go on tour. All in a day’s work…
1. Now, you have to work fairly hard to achieve a higher blood alcohol content than John Bonham from Led Zeppelin. But was it weird that the nurse or doctor at the hospital could just rattle it off like that? “John Bonham died with an alcohol level of .41. Your friend was .54.” Which seems, like, impossible. Especially when you look up blood alcohol content and discover that the charts stop at .40, which is characterized by “general lack of behavior, unconsciousness and death.” Meaning, you are so drunk that you have no behavior at all. You are a potato. You are a rock. You can’t even wipe your nose or swallow your saliva. So to live after a level of .54… I don’t know if that guy should have gone to rehab or been thrown a parade.
2. Putting Steve on tour would be like, “putting a baby in a tidal wave,” according to his girlfriend. A tidal wave of booze? A tidal wave of no-strings-attached sex? A tidal wave of sweet freedom, far from her nagging and oh-so-special blouses and blazers? It doesn’t sound like a bad deal to me…
3. So they get their guitar faces on and get ready to ROCK the Hysteria tour. Joe “Stick Up Me Arse” Elliot, Phil “The Imp” Collen, Rick “Lion’s Mane” Savage and Rick “Bloody” Allen, together again… getting ready backstage… Was it annoying and twisted that Steve prepared for his performance by screaming into the mirror, “I AM A ROCK GOD!!”? Over and over again… and no one paid him any attention at all? Actually, I heard Garrison Keillor does the exact same thing before taping A Prairie Home Companion. “I AM A PRAIRIE GOD!” “I AM A PUBLIC RADIO GOD!” And then a woman in a low cut dress and a bonnet shows up backstage and asks if she can give him two dozen Powdermilk Biscuits and a big kiss.
4. I like “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” It’s got energy, there’s no denying it.
Well, this is it, kids. We’ve almost come to the end of the road… The final episode of Hysteria is up next. We’re a long way from the old spoon factory in Sheffield. I’m getting all choked up. Leave me alone with me booze and me cigarettes, will ya? Because I know what’s coming. You know what’s coming… Tomorrow a wake for Steve Clark.