From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless.
Dear Baby Jane,
I’m a filmmaker and I want to enter one of my short films into a competition but it seems as if everyone who has ever won the competition has had many, many more accolades and achievements than I do. Although everyone who has seen my film says it’s amazing, I wonder if I should even bother to enter.
Filmy in Portland
Of course you shouldn’t enter. I’m pretty sure I saw your film and it sucked. And stop calling it a “film,” when it’s a “picture.” I made pictures, I didn’t make films. But that doesn’t even matter because you shouldn’t need other people to validate you. Unless it’s your daddy. If your daddy thinks you suck, or he doesn’t love you, then you might as well kill yourself. Or have another glass of scotch, skip the soda. The other thing I want to say is why does everyone drive so fast? I can barely slow down to look at the dolls in the window at Toy Castle without someone honking at me. It pisses me off.
Dear Baby Jane,
For well over a year now, I haven’t been able to leave my home. My sister brings food to me once a week; I put the garbage out under cover of darkness. I’m terrified of getting into a conversation with anyone. I also can’t rally myself to look for job, see old friends or go out for a movie. But it’s even worse than that. I don’t shower for days. I take the phone off the hook so not even my sister can call me. Do you think I might have depression? Like, a fairly severe form ofÂ it?
Cloudy On the Inside, Des Moines
What you have isn’t depression, it’s the perfect set-up! What do you need to go out for? Is you sister tucking a bottle of booze in that grocery sack? If so, shut your trap and enjoy life! There’s nothing wrong with putting the garbage out in the middle of the night. I put the garbage out at 1 a.m. and then I go for a drive. It’s the only time of night I can drive by the Toy Castle and look at the dollies in the window without anyone honking at me! I advocate showering every first of the month. It’s easy to remember. “Oh, it’s the first of the month, I should shower and scrub my ass.” See, that’s easy! As for not wanting to talk to your sister even though she does nice things for you… Don’t you realize I’m the wrong fucking person to ask that question???
Dear Baby Jane,
When I was eight I was trapped in a house fire and over 40% of my body was burned. I’ve had over 19 reconstructive surgeries but my face is still shocking to behold. Sometimes I feel like the Phantom of the Opera or, even worse, Jocelyn Wildenstein. But as I’ve grown older I’ve gotten tired of people staring, asking me what happened and judging me by the way I look. I’ve been passed over for jobs and promotions because of my deformity. I have never married or had children. I want to yell at the world, “You wouldn’t treat me this way if I didn’t have this face!” Lately I’ve been very angry in general and rude to everyone I encounter. How can I rid myself of this feeling that my face is holding me back?
MASK in Milwaukee
But you do! You do have that face, MASK! So what am I supposed to tell you? Your face is hideous. What do you say? “Oh, nuts, my face is like a wrinkled up apple!”Â But that doesn’t mean anyone has to care or treat you better. Not everyone can be born with a face like mine, framed by golden curls. It’s pretty stupid to sit around and wonder things like that. Things like, “How would things be different if I wasn’t in this wheelchair? Would so-and-so treat me with more respect, not feed me rodents, if I had the use of my legs?” Even the Dalai Lama is going to tell you thinking like that is just put you on one of those suffering wheels, where you spin around and around feeling shitty. I know because I recently became a Buddhist. I meditate a lot!
Dear Baby Jane,
For the past several months I’ve been studying the Jon and Kate Plus 8 phenomenon. I’ve followed the story daily – the affairs, the move-out, the divorce proceedings, the return of the show, the money stealing – and I still can’t quite fathom why anyone cares? I’m beginning to worry that its something to do with me – is Jon Gosselin really handsome and I just have incredibly bad taste? Should I be interested in his plans for the future? Is Kate’s hair actually cute? Is it fine not to care what about the welfare of those kids? Is that passe? Please help me!
Jon And Kate Plus 8 Minus Me, Atlanta
Listen, I’ll tell it to you straight. Jon Gosselin is the Lord’s gift to women. No where else can you find a more talented and caring man. If you don’t care about Jon and you’re a woman, you’re a lesbo. And if you don’t care about Jon and you’re a gay man, you’re a failure. Pure and simple. I look deep into Jon’s widespread eyes and you know what I see? A kindred spirit. If I could have that man on top of my daddy’s piano, I would. So, yeah, I think you’re totally fucked up in that area. As for that Kate person, well, don’t be surprised if she ends up pinned between a Cadillac and a wrought iron fence.
Baby Jane Recommends
I want to mention another kindred spirit of mine, although she wasn’t much of a dresser or a drinker, Ms. Edie Bouvier Beale and her digs, Grey Gardens.Â I do recommend checking out this incredible G.G. find – Grey Gardens coloring books. For those days when you don’t wanna do anything but sit in your room eating chocolates and coloring in your book while the phone is off the hook.