Archive for November, 2009
Conspiracy Theory: Was Mommie Dearest a Crock of Shit?
November 30, 2009
Conspiracy theories are usually aimed at assassinations, UFOs, religion, Bill Clinton, Richard Gere, etc. We’ve all heard the JFK assassination theories. We’ve heard about how the U.S. never really landed on the moon – it all took place on a sound stage!
But have you heard the one about Mommie Dearest?
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Uh… Does Elin Nordegren remind you of anyone, both in looks and, uh, maybe circumstance? I’m just saying…
Imagined Conversations: Nic Cage Edition
November 23, 2009
I’m sure you were as shocked as I was to learn that actor Nicolas Cage is facing bankruptcy. You probably thought, “Really? After being overpaid for so many years?” Apparently, Nic never learned the value of a dollar. Sometimes I feel badly for people who make stupid money mistakes… we’re all human, after all, and everyone makes poor choices at some point in their lives. BUT, come on, $276,000 for a dinosaur skull? This is the exact point on my Nic Cage Compassion Graph where my level of empathy drops to a point that hovers just above the X-axis and is labeled “bitter disbelief.”
I wonder about the sequence of events that led us here, to the point where Nic is selling off German castles and hot rods left and right and is suing his business manager, Sam Levin. Cage claims that Levin led him down a path to financial ruin. Whatever the case maybe be, if you’re a fan of Cage, this ensures you many more years of enjoying new films from him, as he now has to keep working in order to be able to retire to an appropriately appointed mansion with waterfalls, telescopes and an airstrip. Nic Cage – he’s just like us!
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But You Are In That Chair! Pre-Holiday Edition
November 17, 2009
From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless. However, today’s special focus is Holiday Shopping for the Confused, Depressed and Financially Dependent because Baby Jane strongly believes it’s never too early to start in on all the holiday crap as long as it includes festive, spiked punch, scratch-off games and the all-holiday music radio station turned up just loud enough that you can’t hear your invalid sister crying for a moist towelette.
Dear Baby Jane,
I want to give the gift of music this holiday. What’s hot and new this season?
I Wanna Rock, Boys Town, Nebraska
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This Is No Time For Fun And Games
November 16, 2009
You know how, when you’re healthy, you sometimes think, “Oh, if only I could stay home today and lie on the couch and watch TV ALL DAY. Or read ALL DAY. And eat whatever I want. And ignore the world?” And then, as soon as you’re sick and actually lying on the couch, watching TV and reading back issues of The New Yorker ALL DAY, you feel horrible, miserable and don’t enjoy it at all? Yeah, what’s that all about? I know life isn’t fair but, come on, throw me a wishbone here.
So, yeah, been sick. Whoopee!!
What it entailed was a lot of coughing, gasping for air, tension headaches, sleeplessness, eating chocolate chips from a bowl while watching TV and periods of restless “clean up” around the house. The cleaning up was me thinking, “Oh, what’s a little illness? I can still dust, vacuum and do laundry… Uh, I don’t feel so hot… all that dusting made me feel… faint…” So then I gave up on productive activities and decided to read books. Catch up on some reading, see? Keep the brain working. Learn stuff. But then that became too hard. “What did I just read? What… Eat cookie? What was that last sentence? What if I don’t really have a cold but instead I have cancer?”
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How Working Women Can Cope: Make A Hot Dog Fondue
November 10, 2009
Somewhere along the line, I acquired a random copy of a Woman’s Day magazine from August 1977. Every so often I take it out and page through it. Although 1977 wasn’t THAT long ago, it’s like paging through a manual for another way of life. What I love most are the products, most of them long gone, the poor design and the absolute innocence of the copy. It was enough to say, “Emeraude. The liquid jewel no one can see, yet no one can ignore.” Would that work now? Probably not. Now we’d have something more along the lines of “Emeraude. The liquid that will get you laid.” Well, something like that.
So, here are some snapshots of Woman’s Day from 1977. Settle back with a cup of coffee or tea and enjoy… but wait… what’s this?
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But You Are In That Chair!
November 8, 2009
From time to time, Baby Jane Hudson appears here with her question and answer column, But You Are In That Chair: Baby Jane’s Advice For the Confused, Depressed and Clueless.
Dear Baby Jane,
I’m a filmmaker and I want to enter one of my short films into a competition but it seems as if everyone who has ever won the competition has had many, many more accolades and achievements than I do. Although everyone who has seen my film says it’s amazing, I wonder if I should even bother to enter.
Filmy in Portland
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The Official Preppy Handbook: Dressing Preppy
November 6, 2009
If you’re looking to express your offbeat, kooky personality, dressing preppy probably isn’t for you. The number one principle is sameness. Sameness from day-to-day but also sameness with your fellow Preps. You have your sturdy go-to wardrobe staples – your beige corduroys for the weekend, your tennis whites, your navy blue suit, pink polo for picnics – and then you never need to think about wardrobe ever again.
Still intrigued? Here are some basic tenets to follow when dressing, courtesy of the Handbook:
1. Conservatism
2. Neatness – Yes, you do need to tuck in your shirt.
3. Attention to detail – skimp on the details and everyone will spot you for a fake!
4. Practicality – forget stiletto heels; embrace the classic pump
5. Quality – No, you don’t go to Forever 21 and load up on trendy clothes.
6. Natural Fibers – synthetics scream disco era, poor taste, lack of money.
7. Anglophilia – Except maybe for Burberrys, now that they’ve cheapened the brand.
8. Specific Color Blindness – pastels do go with primary colors!
9. The Sporting Look – even if you’d never hunt down a spider in your bathroom in order to flush it down the toilet, it’s best to look as if you’re joining a fox hunt in ten minutes. Or going off to flush pheasants from your hedges. But beware: the deer hunting look doesn’t pass muster.
10. Androgyny – your khakis, rain gear, wool sweaters and tweed jackets should look just as good on Muffy as they do on Bink.
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I Can’t Resist…
November 2, 2009Just as no one can eat just one Lays Potato Chip, I can’t post just one Playgirl cover a day. I found this one and I just… well… I’m a bit speechless. Really David? In tighty whities?
Blogs and news sources are all a-flutter about Levi Johnston’s plan to appear nude in Playgirl Magazine… My initial reaction is, “He knows mostly gay men read that, right?” I mean, assuming anyone at all is still reading/looking at it (there were announcements in 2008 that Playgirl was going away; now it seems to be readying itself for online-only existence).
Not that there’s anything wrong with this (although there are plenty of other, better sources for gay porn and I can’t imagine any self-respecting gay man reaching for Playgirl first but probably more as a, “Oh, well, wtf, I’ve got some time to kill” moment), but I get the impression that Levi Johnston prides himself on being the “All-American Beefcake Hunter Dude from Alaska” who doesn’t take shit from his baby’s granny. The kind of guy who tells and laughs at jokes about “homos” as a way to assert his heterosexuality. So does he realize he’s going to bare all for a largely gay audience? According to Wikipedia, “In 2003, Mark Graff, President of Trans Digital Media, the brand management firm for Playgirl TV, stated that 50% of Playgirl’s readership are gay males.”
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