“Rise up this mornin’, Smiled with the risin’ sun, Three little birds, Pitch by my doorstep, Singin’ sweet songs, Of melodies… – Bob Marley”

Reaction One: AAAAAAAHHHH! Just got out of bed, saw this and then stabbed myself in the face.

Reaction Two: The only way you could possibly be more annoying is to post the lyrics to “Don’t Worry Be Happy.”

Keith tried to torture me with this earlier today and I resisted. Then tonight I thought, “Ah, what the heck, I’ll check out 100 Ways to Love a Cat.” This video is 35 minutes long… because they detail ALL 100 ways to love a cat. I made it through Way 4 (brush them with a hairbrush). I’m kind of afraid of what way 100 might be… I think this song should be mandatory viewing for all people who get community service. Watch 100 Ways To Love a Cat and then go pick up some trash along the highway. You will never offend again.

Rules of Conduct For Teachers (from a 1915 school bulletin for a one-room school house near Winneconne, WI)

1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.

2. You are not to keep company with men. (This is closely tied to number 1 – don’t think you’re going to “keep company” just because you can’t marry! Here, see this burka? Put it on.)

3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function (Who checked? “OK, ma, I’m goin’ to bed just as soon as I drive by the school marm’s house and make sure she’s in bed. Just gonna peek in that there window.”)

4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores. (Taverns? Yeah, OK, it is Wisconsin, but if we catch you lingering after finishing your cone… your ass is ours.)

5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board. (Dear Chairman of the Board: I was thinking of picking apples on Sunday outside the city limits… is this OK?)

6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother. (Don’t EVER let us catch you with an uncle, cousin or your grandpa. We know all about your grandpa.)

7. You may not smoke cigarettes. (Pipes, OK, everyone enjoys a good pipe by the fire now and then.)

8. You may not dress in bright colors. (Think Calvin Klein, not Chico’s)

9. You must under no circumstances dye your hair. (Hair dye is for the wicked!)

10. You must wear at least 2 petticoats. (Who checked? “Hey, Phyllis, you’re looking a little deflated today… are you only wearing one petticoat?”)

11. Your dresses must not be shorter than two inches above your ankles. (”We’re just getting comfortable with all this ankle skin, we’re not ready for more!”)

12. To keep the schoolroom neat and clean you must: sweep the floor at least once daily; scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m. (Pass out from exhaustion at 10:30 a.m.)

If our dog, Freja, can’t make it all day without, uh, pooping (due to upset stomach) in the house she always poops in the bathroom right next to the toilet. So… I guess she understands what goes on in there? And I guess she’s doing her best to be considerate?

An older gentleman called our office and said, “Hi, I’m putting together a movie idea for Robert DeNiro. I don’t know him but I know he’s friends with that Scorsese guy but I don’t know that guy’s first name or how you spell his last name.” “Uh, that would be Martin S-c-o-r-s-e-s-e.” “Right! Thanks so much!”

A college-aged student sent a form letter to our office asking us to pay his way through college. For an extra bit of class, he hand-wrote the salutation because a mail merge proved to be too much for him to master. In the letter he did promise to keep us updated through the years with what he was up to.

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When my parents came for the yard sale last week, they had a van-load of stuff my sister and I had been storing at their house for years. And years. I believe they were overjoyed to be getting rid of it. We had a fairly successful sale, although we didn’t move as many toys as we would have liked. Now I’m left with some odds and ends that I’ve been trying to deal with. One box is just papers and letters and such from grade school onward. I haven’t seen the stuff in this box for 20 years so I’m going to assume I don’t need most of it.

My plan is to take all the old papers, letters, etc. and make a paper-based diorama out of them of a ship at sea battling a Kraken. I thought that might look cool. So there is my winter project;  what I’ll be doing on all those snowy nights come January.

This morning I was down in the basement to feed Chief Jones (he has to eat down there so that Mistress Freja doesn’t gobble down all his food) and there was the box, waiting to be sorted. I plucked a coloring book off the top of the pile. It’s a book called “Write Your Own Story Coloring Book.” Kind of literal in the titling. Inside, each spread is a picture to color and then the other side is titled and has lines for writing a short story about the pic. The characters are the same on every page – Penny, Mark and a clown named Koko.

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This should probably go on one of those “Overheard in Mpls” sites.

Yesterday, as my co-worker Andrea was walking out of the building, a bunch of gals from a marketing firm down the hall were leaving at the same time. One of them said to the others:

“You know, the only reason Crystal is celibate is because she’s afraid someone is going to steal her creativity through her vagina.”

With Zsa Zsa Gabor heading home this past Monday to spend her final days in comfort, rather than in a hospital, I think it’s only appropriate that we take a look at the life and times of the Hungarian beauty. Here are some Zsa Zsa Facts & Figures:

Zsa Zsa is the second of the three Gabor sisters: Magda, Sari (Zsa Zsa) and Eva. The sisters were born in Budapest. Zsa Zsa is now 93 years old.

Zsa Zsa attended a Swiss boarding school called Madame Subilia’s.

After finishing school, she was discovered in Vienna in 1936 by “the famous tenor Richard Tauber,” (oh, yes, Richard Tauber!) and invited to sing in a new operetta he was staging.

Zsa Zsa eventually became known more for her many marriages than for her acting abilities. She has been married nine times and has had seven divorces, one annulment and is still married to ninth husband, Frederic Prinz von Anhalt.

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I’m switching things up today and doing most Fantastic Tweet of the Day. What can I say? I’m feeling positive!

“A friend of mine went on a first date for dinner at some guy’s house (dumb) and he baked a frozen pizza and put in “9 1/2 weeks.” Um????”

That sounds like something that would have  happened to me, back in the old dating days. If his goal was to watch something steamy, he should have gone with something like, maybe, Unfaithful with Diane Lane? 9 1/2 Weeks is just a laff riot.

“ Thai chicken peanut wrap at Au Bon Pain. Pretty tasty. Just the right amount of zip to the peanut sauce.”

Well, that about sums up the day, people. We can all go to bed now. Someone had a tasty thai chicken wrap.